| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|04:55 pm] |
It was great when it all began
I was a regular Rocky fan
But it was over when I had the plan
To play Magenta on an on agaaaaiiiin!
I'm actually having a good time with the show...problem is, I've done it so many times, I doubt anyone but my parents and Randy are going to see the show...they're sick of it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2009|07:14 am] |
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This guy i knew, (i call him Gay-Jay) is perfect for the TV show on MTV that I'm a casting recruiter on! It's called Is She Really Going Out With Him, and he's PERFECT for it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|11:04 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
Dino called me this morning to tell me he's divorcing his wife and spent all day with a lawyer yesterday drawing up the papers. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2009|09:22 pm] |
I was in complete *agony* from 2 ruptured disks in my back, endometriosis, and severe nerve damage.
*every step* I took to see you, every moment I spent in a car to pick you up, to drive you place, every second I walked around showing you around, sat with you, cooked for you, spent ANY time with you since you didnt know anyone and were in a new city- I was in AGONY.
And that was out of the kindness of my heart.
Putting myself through agony to see the both of you was the biggest sacrifice I could give and the biggest kindess I could give. But if what you appreciate as "kindness of the heart" is "using someone's resources and not repaying them", you need to find a charity, not a friend. Because I can't afford to do that for you.
This entry is about the person who:
-Wailed constantly about the death of the oxy-clean guy while my grandmother was dying of cancer and tried to compare it
-Tried to compare his temporary muscle spasms to the pain of 2 ruptured disks and nerve damage
-Got me out of bed to help him with his muscle spasms while I was in agony, then smoked right in front of me without even sharing when he knew I was in agony as I waited with him so I could do him a favor, though I've always given him what I'm smoking.
-Complained he "only had $500 to last 2 weeks" to me when I had $40 to last a month with a $30 copay for a Doctor the next day.
Just in general, has no idea what it's like to really struggle but tries to get attention to himself when other people are in *real pain*.
Okay, honesty, since it's at the point where nothing I say could possibly affect anything else.
I don't like Jesse. I never did like him, but I tried incredibly hard to. Every time i realized how much I didn't like him, I tried to find SOMETHING about him to convince myself that he was an okay person.
but ya know what? i hate him more than I've hated ANYONE. I've hated him since the day I met him. we don't click at all. and have been forcing a friendship for a long time because of his girlfriend, kat.
i liked kat a lot, so i suffered through a 'friendship' with this asshole because of her. but all her decisions goes through jesse, and she cant hang out without him. it's a package deal, and i just couldn't handle the other half of the package anymore.
when i want to be someones friend, i want to be *their* friend. not the friend of the other people they feel i HAVE to be friends with to be their friend. some people just don't click and should not even TRY to be friends, and this whole situation could have been avoided if i wasn't pushed into a situation where i had to be friends with both to be friends with one.
also, i do shit out of the kindness of my heart all the time. but right now, recovering from extremely serious surgery, i can't. i have no job, and barely any money. i cannot "do things from the kindness of my heart" that cost money, aka feed you, spend my gas money on you, smoke you out constantly, etc etc without repayment. I can't drive you around all day and help you out the minute you ask, with no money and no pain medication to go back to.
i know he has never had to work for what he has, and has no idea of how much something little to him is worth to me. and while i'd LOVE to be able to give away all those things to my friends, i CAN"T. i CANNOT throw my money away on them right now because i don't HAVE ENOUGH TO.
so, if it makes me a selfish person to ask for reimbursement when I do things for people that cost me time, money, and cause me physical pain... I'll be selfish. because it's better than being broke and walked on because you feel you are entitled to my money without paying it back.
i drove you many places, cooked for you, smoked you out a LOT, and bought you things before i even started asking for something in return. but you conveniently forgot all that.
you offered me a place to live if i was ever homeless- but when i asked you if you meant it, you didn't.
you offered me something in return for driving to get you when i was in pain, hooking you up, and driving you home. you didn't, and i paid the price for you instead.
you then offered to bring over some medicine to help me... and i even offered to make you a trade that was more than what you had was worth. but it wasn't enough- you wanted many other things from me. so, again... YOU DIDNT.
i drove you to the art store, picked you up in center city, picked you up in the ghetto, drove you to whole foods... i spent tanks of gas on you, and didn't ask for anything in return. that was my way of showing you i cared, by spending the small amount of money i had for gas on *you*
You acted like Mother Theresa, like you gave me money out of your own pocket that you slaved the day at McDonalds for... but, newsflash...
the money was for the person that *rescued the cat*, spent an entire day driving it around, drove it to the vet, paid for vet treatment, paid for medication, paid for food, paid for litter, and threw her back out dragging it all upstairs. It wasn't for the person that spent 5 days opening their closet to the cat.
If hadn't done that, the cat would've been dead. You would have not been able to open your closet to ANYTHING because it would have been gone.
Had I not provided litter, it would have died from a UTI.
Had I not provided medication, it would have died from infection.
Had I not provided shots, it could have died from the bite wound.
Had I not provided a tank of gas, it could have not gotten help.
Had I not provided food, it would have starved.
You then threatened to bail because mommy got mad, and I found a new babysitter. I also decided that I could keep the cat in my closet, worst case, and rid you of your duties entirely because you are a *flake* and untrustworthy.
You put medicine in a cats mouth twice a day that I paid for, housed her with everything i provided for 5 days (while still going about your normal life and going out), didn't even know how to contact the owner (i did it for you, and gave you the number) and you seriously think you deserved the money over the person that actually took the step to save the cats life?
You even went behind my back to do it!
You were too much of a douchebag to even get out of bed to go to the vet. Did you forget?
Anyway, I paid for every single thing and all the transportation, as well as an entire day of time pre-surgery- and these people feel they were entitled to the money given to them (to give to me) to reimburse expenses.
They also conveniently forgot that they went behind my back, after I made the first call, to secure this money.
Satanists are *not* good people. There is a *reason* they have picked a religion that glorifies selfishness, cruelty, and hedonism.
You really didn't do shit. You took a few minutes out of your life for 5 days, even though I offered to take the cat off your hands. "No, no!" you said. "We want it!".
And now, it was the biggest hassle of your life and you deserved $200 for doing it... over the person that actually did the real work.
I asked only for what I did in medical expensives. You gave me the rest. A gift. Not something to pull up to use as ammunition. That's what fuckwads do.
after I spent the money on the cat, offered to take the cat so it wouldn't be a burden, called the woman and found the owner, then provided the info to you-
YOU say YOU deserved that money?
Think again. In fact, I'm pissed enough at this point that I *am* hunting down this woman and making a *recording* of her saying the money was to go to the person that rescued and paid for keeping her cat alive. I'll make sure to tuck the tape in the package with your router when I mail it back. You really deserve to have it thrown into the river, but unlike you, I'm not an ass, so I'll be nice and mail it back.
I am truly afraid that when the day comes that you need to work for a living, you will no longer be able to support yourself or your girlfriend, because all you have has been handed to you.
you constantly bring up your money, your mansion, your tastes for quality- then when a totally broke person brings it up when asking for repayment of money you promised, it's "fucked up". No. It's fucked up to talk about what you said in the FIRST PLACE to someone who is struggling financially. It's so immature, and so inconsiderate I couldn't even believe you did it.
You are *not* a good person. You are not compassionate, understanding, or kind.
I hope, one day, Kat will open her eyes and at least make some decisions for herself, instead of letting Jesse tell her what to think about everything and completely controlling her. I feel like because he controls you financially, he controls everything about you and it's *sick*.
I hope, Kat, that you get help and understand that your boyfriend may be nice to you, but he is not the person you think he is in general. Please, see a therapist and tell them about his behaviors (selfish ones to you, and others). I don't think he treats you the way you deserve, and I hope to God you realize your worth and find a person that deserves how awesome you are.
I'll look you up in a couple years- maybe by then your circumstances will have changed and you will be able to understand everything I've said. I have a feeling that once you find your personal strength and believe you can stand on your own two feet, you will find your own voice- not just a parrot of your boyfriend's.
I really can't wait for Jesse to hear the response of the woman when I send him the tape. There is no better proof that you are a complete dumbass and completely *wrong*.
Prepare to be Pwn3d. |
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| Boo fucking hoo. |
[Jul. 25th, 2009|12:38 am] |
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If one more of my friends complains to me about their life when nothing is wrong with them OR their life, I swear I'm going to break their back myself so they can see what it's like to REALLY have a problem. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|12:21 pm] |
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I really hate when I can't write what I want to say because I know it'll be passed along the grapevine. I guess it's not possible for people to keep something said privately to themselves. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2009|11:16 pm] |
Hah.
Apparently my ex boyfriend, who was the love of my life, dumped me for a psycho named TJ who was married and faked cancer. I knew he was nuts, but I didn't think she was too.
Also, someone else who likes Magenta and has a different blog friended his ex TJ. This person is married with kids, and I am not. Because Eric Shatto is an idiot, instead of assuming that someone else could actually like the play, he assumed I am schizo and deluded and was the owner of the blog.
Ironically, Eric accused me of cheating on him with a married man (I NEVER slept with this person), and dumped me and told everyone what a horrible person I was... for a woman that was married. She also had another partner on the side besides Eric and her husband.
Eric Patrick Shatto- meet karma and the threefold law. You accused someone who loved you of something untrue, hurt them terribly over it, and then paid for your assumption . You lost the best thing that will ever happen to you, and I gained the best thing ever- my wonderful boyfriend Adam, who I never would have met if you didn't dump me.
You searched so hard to find a "true" and "genuinely good" religion...but if you have learned anything, I hope you've realized that goodness and kindness comes from within. It doesn't judge, assume, or spread malicious lies. I hope someday that you will mature and realize this, and stop searching for a religion to make you feel better about yourself.
Above all, we must forgive and learn from our mistakes. You know how it feels to be the one fucked over now- and I'm NOT sorry. I hope that you treat the person you end up sharing your life with in a better way than you treated me, and that you have learned how badly love can hurt. Perhaps you will be more careful with the heart of whoever you choose to spend your life with in the future.
I wish you no ill will, and I actually thank you for doing what you did. You made me stronger for a multitude of situations, and you showed me that I could recover when I thought I had lost everything that ever mattered.
I thought you were the most special, amazing person on Earth, but I realize now you are nothing compared to my Adam. If you hadn't treated me so badly, I would have no basis to compare it to and no way to really appreciate him.
You showed me that I need to keep myself and my trust guarded, and inspired me to become even more knowledgable than you are about religion.
You also showed me that I will never date:
- a man who is shorter than me
-a boring man
-a smelly man who doesn't shower and wash his clothes enough
-a man with a small cock
-a man who only eats greasy fast food (leads to a huge potbelly, bad breath and bad tasting semen, and an oily, irritated, acne-ridden face from touching his hands without washing after eating fried food)
-a man who won't let me play with girls
-a man who isn't kinky
-a man who can't do nice things for me and take me to nice places sometimes.
-a man who does only night shift
-a man who lives with his family past the age of 21
-a man who fails all of his college classes because he doesn't feel like going
and finally:
- a man who wants a mom, not a girlfriend.
So, Eric... thanks for being the worst boyfriend on the planet and helping me find the best. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|05:43 pm] |
It sucks to feel like what you want isn't valued. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|10:02 pm] |
fucking hell i cannot do one single thing right.
im so tired of this.
i'm crawling into my hole and i'm not coming out. |
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| Writer's Block: Conversion Rate |
[Jun. 17th, 2009|04:14 pm] |
No! Changing religions isn't like changing your shoes. You can't just decide to believe something on a whim- it needs to come from inside your heart.
I had an ex who converted to different religions the way most people change their socks. It was ridiculous and so insincere. I can't take anyone seriously if they've changed religions more than twice. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
in a community I'm in, someone posted an African-American guy listing of the top 60 ghetto-black names (aka ShaNayNay). In this community, all we DO is make fun of people. Usually fat white people. (I am both fat AND white).
But suddenly ... OMG RACE WANK!!!!!! SO NOT FUNNY!!! U R RAAAAACIIIST *wahhhmublance*
What, so you're not racist when you make fun of "ugly white crackers"?
Or "fat pale slobs"?
Even all the WTF-JAPAN/WTF-ASIA/WTF-AFGANI /WTF-ETHIOPIA/WTF CHRISTIAN etc etc etc is fine!
In fact, people even make jokes about people burning in car crashes, being shot in the face, falling to death, and having their eyes ripped out. I personally don't think that's funny, but I wouldn't tell someone they shouldn't laugh at it.
However, despite making fun of every other person in the WORLD, I am observing that it is seriously the worst crime in the world to laugh at people who name their kids stupid things.
I don't give a fuck if you name your child Brumhilda, Melvin, Gertrude, Harriet, ShaNayNay, Precious, Ebony Princess, whatever. Just don't expect me to not laugh at your stupid name because you're OMGBLACK.
I STILL laugh off the "Amanda" jokes to me- "She's a MAN- DUH!" Yeah, the name is dumb, and I couldn't be upset at anyone for laughing.
ITS A DUMB NAME.
SO IS SHANAYNAY and MELVIN.
If people can't handle the quirkier things of their culture being a source of amusement, what makes them think it's okay to bash OTHER races, religions, looks, sexuality, etc?? |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2009|12:52 pm] |
we have laws for driving, you know.
we even have a nifty manual that is FREE with all the laws in it, to be found in person or on the internet.
if you're too lazy to read a book or online, you can even call PennDot and they'll answer any questions you have.
you're SUPPOSED to have to know the laws to even get a license, but apparently most people don't.
when you are unsure of a traffic law, I suppose you have two possible options.
A: Break out your driver's manual, google it, or call PennDot within a timely manner when you realize you have no idea about what is legal.
B: Do whatever you want, hope it's legal, hope you won't be pulled over for it, and after years of being clueless and not even caring if you're doing something illegal, ask a random internet community about traffic laws.
C: Do B, and then act like you're a dumbass when someone tells you that you should've researched your questions instead of driving with the "i hope this is legal" philosophy.
OMG. PLEEEEASE. After SO MANY torturous hours of driving in Philly and on the Turnpike.... I want to disembowel anyone who drives the wrong way on a one way street, doesn't know they can turn left on red, doesn't know how to turn left on green, driving in the middle of a two-lane street (taking up both lanes), driving 20 miles under the speed limit, stopping in the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD....the drivers who go incredibly slow (5 mph)for 3 miles stopping to look at every street sign in a 40 mph zone.
Idiot drivers really are a pet peeve of mine.
BTW, Randy and I sort of made up. It really meant a lot to me that he apologized and said he was crazy, because part of me believed that he meant what he said. I missed him and I'm looking forward to redeveloping our friendship. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|08:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
So, my friend Jess has been advocating that I be a bitch and give up the diplomatic stance, and I've been doing it for the past week.
It's so freeing. I see why people do it all the time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|06:18 pm] |
So, for awhile, my philosophy has been "if I want to write in my journal about how I'm feeling and involves someone on my 'friends' list (they really should call it readers-list 'friend' isn't a term I use lightly), i should allow them to see/make comments on it if they feel i've said something unfair".
well, apparently, people would rather not have that opportunity. so, from now on, if i'm venting about you, you won't be able to see it.
Good. We can all be "friends" again. ;-) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|02:53 pm] |
I just read that one of my friends lost her cat. Poor, poor things. Cat and friend both. Apparently it fell out of an 11th story window. I don't understand why you wouldn't put a screen in your window or just crack it. It seems like endangering your pet recklessly. However, I'm sure she's thought those things already and lecturing is not what someone in mourning needs.
I'm so sad for her loss. Let's pray for Ess, guys, okay? |
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| What's wrong with me, you ask? |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|10:50 am] |
I shall tell you, on the chance you care.
Disk L4 in my back is torn and protruding through the bone.
Disk L5-S1 is torn and half collapsed, cutting down the cushion between the bones, and pinching the nerve badly.
I have nerve damage that is worsening on the right side of my body.
I also found out yesterday from an ultrasound that i have endometriosis as well as cysts on my right ovary.
Im not allowed to sit for more than 30 minutes, and NONE of my friends are coming over. They all expect me to go to them, and I can't do that now. It's nice that they want to see me, but actions speak louder than words.
Ya know, it's kind of ironic. Guess who the person was that called the ambulance for me to go to the hospital? Will. Guess who was willing to go to the hospital with me late at night? Will. And guess who came to visit the day I got out of the hospital- yep, Will.
It's just ironic that the people who claimed to be my besties don't even "have time" to visit me (though they "have time" if i go to them),and the person that treated me like poop has done a 180.
Guess you find out who is really there for you when bad stuff happens. |
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| Friends cut! |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|12:00 pm] |
I removed the people that didn't seem to be reading my entries. No offense meant to anyone- if you feel you were removed accidently, lemme know.
xoxox |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2009|04:33 pm] |
Hey stoner_girls,
Stop stealing.
Stop. Stealing.
STOP FUCKING STEALING.
Thieves are lying, pathetic pieces of shit. The only exception is if you are stealing food, medication, or shelter that you *NEED* to survive. I'm even okay with lying about why you need money to people- but to steal from anyone is horrible.
Everyone's saying "oh it's okay I only steal from corporations, it doesn't hurt them". Are they so idiotic that they don't realize that the corporation will *raise prices* that will affect *thousands*? In my opinion, that's even worse than stealing from ONE person.
I am so ashamed of the majority of this group right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2009|08:40 pm] |
I'm really, really depressed. Haven't felt this bad in awhile.
I'm scared. |
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